FLYING SPEAK NOT's

Rick Seaney is one of the country's leading experts on airfare, giving interviews and analysis to news organizations, including ABC News, NYT, Reuters, etc. On his site, he's listed a bunch of taboo phrases that should never be uttered as a matter of courtesy or personal safety. Funny yet true, here are my top 5:

1. "If you put me in first class, I'm sure the urge to hurl will pass."
   You didn't pay for first class, so you're not going to get first class, no matter how many empty seats there are and no matter how many threats you make. Your only chance is if you're an elite member of a miles club. If not, forget it. So quit whining. You're annoying everyone else suffering in steerage.
2. "I'll hang up when I'm good and ready, lady. Besides, we're still at the gate."
   Will the plane explode if you keep talking on your cell phone? Doesn't matter. If a flight attendant tells you to turn it off, do so. Or continue your conversation with the cops. And, no, the plane will probably not explode but your head might, once the crew starts yelling at you.
   
3. "Oh, my goodness, was that your foot?"
   The above comment is invariably made by your window seatmate, clutching a 2-liter bottle of water, during all of their five trips to the restroom. We are talking about a 60-minute flight. For some reason, Lavatory Lizard will not wait for you or the middle seatmate to move out of the way -- just climbs on over and, inevitably, lands on your brand-new loafers. Next time, remind them that, for the price of that economy-sized bottle of water, they could have reserved an aisle seat.
   
4. "Uh–oh, have you seen my doggie?"
   Please don't say this. It means you decided to let Sparky out of the carrier, and that's not allowed. Keep him caged, or risk having your pet bounce off the ceiling during turbulence, or get smacked by an errant drink cart. Or maybe an irate passenger will quietly stuff the poor pup in an overhead bin.
   
5. "Do you know who I am?"
   This is the one, sure-fire way to turn everyone against you but, unfortunately, the people who use this phrase tend to have the sensitivity of a Simon Cowell. Still, try a snappy comeback: One of my employees swears she heard a passenger use this immortal phrase on a flight attendant, who smiled sweetly and said, "You're right, I don't know who you are. But let's take a look at your ticket, I'm sure we'll find the answer there!"